Let's Talk About Survivor's Guilt

[Image Description: "Your survivor's guilt is valid even if..." in center-aligned italicized violet text. 3 rows of 3 light pink roses with 2 dark green leaves attached to the left side of each. "Your trauma was not life-threatening" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the first rose in the first row. "You were just a witness" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the second rose in the first row. "You do or do not have PTSD" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the third rose in the first row. "Other people say it isn't valid" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the first rose in the second row. "Your trauma happened a while ago" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the second rose in the second row. "You tried to save other people who were being harmed" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the third rose in the second row. "You think that you could have done more to protect them" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the first rose in the third row. "You are being blamed by the people who caused harm and others for what happened when you are innocent" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the second rose in the third row. "You identify as a warrior instead of a survivor" is in left-aligned bolded dark aqua text under the third rose in the third row. My First Former Buddy Club President logo is in the bottom left corner of the image with "FIRST FORMER BUDDY CLUB PRESIDENT" in center-aligned italicized black font overlapping an enlarged light blue heart with several small red hearts and a lighter blue background in the background of the enlarged heart.]




CONTENT WARNING: I would like to mention that I am not a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist and I am sharing this content for educational purposes only. Social media should never be used as a substitute for mental nor medical health care. If you suspect that you or your loved one are experiencing any mental health concerns, it is okay to get help, and I highly recommend seeking help from a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, and/or other professional who is qualified to do so.


TRIGGER WARNING: If you are affected by trauma and the impact that it has on mental and physical health, this blog post may be triggering. If you need support right now, please seek help from a therapist or other mental health professional who is qualified to do so. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 if you live in the USA or text "CONNECT" to the Crisis Text Line at 686868 if you live in Canada.










    Sometimes the effects of negative life experiences can hold people back by preventing them from being their best selves. This is especially true when these negative life experiences are traumatic. Sometimes survivors get too preoccupied with the trauma that they do not take care of themselves. Some survivors might also be taking care of themselves in one way, but not be taking care of themselves holistically in a way that will help them to move forward. In addition, they may have the thought that their trauma defines them and doubt themselves. Trauma can make survivors doubt themselves about whether they can be faithful or not. This is a negative thought that is common for survivors to experience in the aftermath of trauma.

    Trauma responses and reactions to stress that are not traumatic can mentally, physically, and spiritually harm people. Sometimes people experience traumatic events when they are trying to do the right thing. As a result, the trauma can result in survivor's guilt, which is an emotional response in the aftermath of trauma that involves guilt for surviving the trauma while other people did not. Survivor's guilt can also involve survivors blaming themselves and thinking that they did not do the right things before or during the traumatic experience. Survivor's guilt can occur in survivors with and without Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is common for people with survivor's guilt to have lots of insecurity; however, all feelings are valid, and it is okay not to be okay. In addition, while it is understandable why you would feel guilty about your situation, your trauma is not your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Below are some examples of valid survivor's guilt thoughts:



Your survivor's guilt is valid even if...

🧠Your trauma wasn't life-threatening.
    While survivor's guilt typically occurs in survivors who live in the aftermath of life-threatening traumas, it can occur in the aftermath of nonlife-threatening traumas as well. Trauma is any difficult life event that causes emotional distress during and/or after the experience. A trauma survivor's trauma does not need to be life-threatening for them to be a survivor. The official definition of survivor is an individual who is still living during and after one or more difficult life events. Trauma survivors are people who have survived bullying, ableism, abuse (emotional, psychological, physical, sexual), family/intimate partner abuse, neglect (emotional, educational, medical, physical, supervisory, environmental), gun violence, homelessness, car accidents, etc.


🧠You were not the one who was being harmed and were just a witness.
    Trauma can be scary to watch even when you are not threatened directly, and threats are not always life-threatening. Sometimes people threaten to ruin victims' reputations or take people, safety, privileges, and/or other things away from them. You may also feel guilty that you are still alive while others are not or have access to certain mental/physical health, safety, educational, vocational, and life privileges, such as but not limited to therapy, resources, and/or a genuine, emotionally supportive, and safe family who encourages you to succeed and actually treats you like a person while others may not have those things even if they are still living.


🧠You do or do not have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
    People who have survivor's guilt usually either have PTSD or symptoms associated with PTSD if they are struggling with survivor's guilt. This is because survivor's guilt is a big symptom of PTSD and symptoms associated with PTSD; however, not every traumatized person develops PTSD or symptoms associated with PTSD. Not everyone who experiences trauma becomes traumatized either.


🧠Other people say it isn't valid.
    You are in charge of your own feelings, and no one can tell you how to feel. No one can 100% "know how you feel" either even if they experienced trauma that was the same or similar. While people who experienced the same or similar traumas may be able to relate to you and it can be helpful to connect with fellow survivors, everyone experiences trauma differently. Even if people have similar trauma responses, they do not know 100% about how a person is feeling since they are not that individual. Only people who experienced their own situations know 100% how they are feeling. You can validate and listen to them along with providing genuine emotionally supportive words of affirmation.


🧠Your trauma happened a while ago.
    PTSD or symptoms associated with PTSD do not just go away. They give people emotional scars and emotional scars usually last forever. PTSD is a disability, and disabilities are permanent. People with PTSD or symptoms associated with PTSD are also usually never able to "move on." This is because what happened will always stay with them and can affect their mental health along with possibly their physical health and spiritual mindsets. Instead, they "move forward" meaning that they do not let what happened control their lives completely.


🧠You tried to save other people who were being harmed.
    You might have tried to save other people when their lives were in danger and were not able to. You might have also tried to help them advocate for their rights and tried to openly advocate for their rights yourself to provide additional support; however, this advocacy may have been blocked. You might have tried to provide people with the support that they were not getting at home, school, or work and they were taken away from you to prevent you from trying to save them any further. In this case, you might have the following thoughts:
  • "I don't deserve to be here."
  • "Why did I survive, and they did not?"
  • "I feel so angry for so many reasons."
  • "I feel guilty for how my actions have affected other people."
  • "It is my fault that they did not survive."
  • "I feel guilty that other people who experienced the same type of trauma (e.g. cancer, abuse/neglect) as me did not survive and I did."
    No matter what you tried, and you were so brave for doing so even if it was scary to do. In addition, just like the policy of putting your oxygen mask on yourself first before helping other people with theirs on airplanes, it was important to protect your own safety during trauma too. You did everything you could while needing to think on your feet during the trauma and putting yourself first before other people to protect yourself was a great choice and not selfish at all.


🧠You feel like you could have done more to protect them.
    You might feel like you could have done more to save the person from the situation that they were in such as but not limited to abusive homes, bullying at school, workplaces, online, or in a community, violence, or illnesses. You might wish that you could have been able to anticipate what was going to happen to prevent it or save them when it happened. You might feel guilty that they do not or did not have access to and/or knowledge about certain resources that could have saved them. You might feel guilty that you did not do or know to do something sooner to save them even if it is still possible. In this case, you might have the following thoughts:
  • "I wish that I could have done more to save (Name)."
  • "Is there anything that I could have done differently or at all to save (Name)?"
  • "I should have..."
  • "I should not have..."
  • "Should I have...?"
  • "Should I not have...?"
    While it is understandable why you would have these guilty feelings and thoughts, you did everything that you could in that moment. It was a stressful moment where you had to think on your feet. In addition, it is typical for survivors to have new realizations about their trauma in the aftermath as compared to what they originally thought or knew about it.


🧠You are being blamed by the people who caused harm and others for what happened when you are innocent.
    It is common for abusers and perpetrators to blame others for things that they did to gaslight, deflect, and get away with their actions. It is also common for abusers and perpetrators to twist victims' and other people's words around for the same reasons.

    If you are innocent, you did nothing wrong and you were probably only trying to help someone and/or yourself. In addition, you are not responsible for other people's actions. People need to have self-control to take care of any impulsivity that they may have and be held accountable for their actions overall. Also, if victims choose not to report what happened to them whether they want to or not, do not hold yourself responsible for not reporting it. If you report abuse/neglect (especially if you are a mandated reporter), that can be a helpful contribution to evidence; at the end of the day, however, it is the victim's responsibility to confirm what they experienced for any investigation or protocol to happen.


🧠You identify as a warrior or other terms instead of a survivor.
    Not everyone identifies the same when it comes to any differences and backgrounds. All identities matter❤️‍🩹✨️





You might also gain a better understanding of how trauma affects mental health, by reading the following blog posts that I have written:


In addition, here is a book recommendation below:
  • The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma written by Bessel van der Kolk




    According to some research that I did, pink roses symbolize gentleness. So, I made the images above each symptom of survivor's guilt as pink roses as a way to symbolize the affirmation "Be gentle with yourself." As a trauma survivor who has experienced survivor's guilt, I have learned that while our thoughts and feelings are valid, we should be gentle with ourselves. This is especially true if we are innocent or remorseful. In addition, we cannot control other people's actions; instead, we can only influence other people's actions and encourage them to use their free will for positive choices. In conclusion, I wish everyone well along their healing journeys.





If you are affected by trauma, you are not alone and there is hope. If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 if you live in the USA or text "CONNECT" to the Crisis Text Line at 686868 if you live in Canada.

You can also visit The Mighty's suicide prevention resources page by clicking on this link: https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/






Did you enjoy and find this post helpful? If you want to see more content like this and my other content about teaching and advocating for the disability community, please follow me on Instagram and like my Facebook page if you have not already by clicking on the hyperlinks below:




Give feedback! Questions? Compliments? Suggestions? Let me know in the comments section below and/or email me at ehoffbuddyclub@gmail.com !

If you repost to your own page or story, please tag me in the caption and the post and keep my logo visible. Thank you💕

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What Disability Pride Means to Self-Advocates

Image
                      [Image Description: There is  a disability pride flag with straight diagonal stripes in the order of black, dark green, light blue, white, yellow, red, black with softened shades. My First Former Buddy Club President logo is in the bottom left corner of the image with "FIRST FORMER BUDDY CLUB PRESIDENT" in center-aligned black Marker Felt font overlapping an enlarged light blue heart with several small red hearts and a light blue background in the background of the enlarged heart. ] UPDATE:   Originally, the cover photo of this blog post was the disability pride flag with zig zag stripes; however, Erin Castillo (also known as @AffirmationsAndAccessibility on Instagram was kind enough to tell me that one of her followers wanted her to let me know that the disability pride flag with zig zag stripes is the old flag and that there is a new flag. I thanked Erin and I am very thankful to her follower for educating me about this matter since I did not know that
Read more

Infant/Toddler Teachers Need to be Valued More As Teachers

Image
                     [Image Description: There is an image of a colorful infant classroom taken from the front left corner of the room with light yellow and light green walls with bulletin boards and handprint and dinosaur decals and decorations hanging from the ceiling. There are 10 light tan cribs with bars on both sides and clear glass on the front and back of each set up on the left, middle, and right walls in back of the classrooom. The floor in the back of the classroom is a dark gray carpet with the cribs, a beige rocking chair, low and high level shelves bolted into the floor filled with toys, a colorful soft mat with a blue obstacle course on it, and an exersaucer. The floor in the front of the classroom has a light gray tile floor with a white and light blue diaper changing table, 2 gray highchairs with gray tables attached to them and a gray highchair with a red table attached to it, a small round blue table with 2 big red chairs on both sides of the table in front of the hi
Read more

My Reflective, Constructive Feedback About Disability Representation in the Media

Image
[Image Description: "Let's Talk About Disability Representation in the Media" in center-aligned bright pink Barbie font outlined in white. The background of the image is a lighter shade of pink. My First Former Buddy Club President logo is also in the bottom left corner of the image with "FIRST FORMER BUDDY CLUB PRESIDENT" in center-aligned italicized black font overlapping an enlarged light blue heart with several small red hearts and a light blue background in the background of the enlarged heart. ]      Recently, as a child at heart, I watched the movie, Barbie (2023), for the first time. I would like to start off by thanking the movie creators for including a Barbie in a wheelchair and a Barbie with a prosthetic arm. While representation of characters in the disability community is starting to show up in TV shows and movies more often, it does not happen enough; so, I appreciate when this happens any time. Representation of characters in the dis
Read more